Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
You Might Also Like
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath