My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
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[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
2 years later
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*