holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
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Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.