[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
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Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?