Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
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Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]