If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
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airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
When you’re Kinky but poor
I feel seen
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.