My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
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JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.