*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
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i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Just why bro?!
Stop it! 😂
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food