My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
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Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
At an art museum and I thought this was art
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️