Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
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Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
a badder mouse
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Love it! 👍😂
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil