*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
You Might Also Like
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what