Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
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Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Dietest Coke
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.