emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
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What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
The old gods are rising again.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.