Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
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IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*