Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
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In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.