What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
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#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain