Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
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Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
why isn’t thunder called soundning