ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
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Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.