Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
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A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.