Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
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Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Bro what is this
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.