My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
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How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
You have been warned.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.