“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
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[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.