[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
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It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes