A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
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I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*