Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
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Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Spotted in New Orleans.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.