I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
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The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
adam and eve had first world problems
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
A friend sent me this.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
i think my razor is having a panic attack