Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
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[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Growing up was a huge mistake
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
there has never been a better use of this meme
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
wut hotdog?
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”