God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
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I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
🤔😂😂
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.