I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
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We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.