Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
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Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation