Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
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Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”