The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
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ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Has there ever been a more American story?
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.