[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
You Might Also Like
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
You deplete me
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
damn he’s good