I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
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I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*