I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
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Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…