You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
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Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point