Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
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My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Got ya covered
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!