who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
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Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
SCARY COSTUME
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
channeling her this year
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”