what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
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I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.