Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
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[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?