PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
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Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?