Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
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To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”