How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
You Might Also Like
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension