I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
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A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws