Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
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Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
i want the dreams to chase me for once
oh my god
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Not messing around
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy