ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
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Boy never ceases to amaze me
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.