[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
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Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”