Grandmother clock.
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I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right