To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Feels like the fourth month in January
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.