Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
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Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
How funny!
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.